Standing on the summit of Ama Dablam, October 2000, I feel grateful.  It was only 3 years ago when I first saw this beautiful mountain and privately declared it an impossible dream.  It was too high, too steep and too technical plus I had neither the time nor the money to climb these "impossible" mountains.  I was happy just trekking in the Khumbu.  But something got inside me on that trip.  I could feel my lungs crying out yearning for more oxygen.  I could see myself taking one slow step, stopping for a deep breath and then forcing another step.  I could see myself pushing towards the summit.

I read the message on New Years Eve 2003, David Hiddleston had died on Mt Tasimen in an avalanche.  My friend and my guide on Ama Dablam and Everest was gone.  Doing what he loved.  His friends and family, in their grief, expressed their understanding.

Lying in the medical tent with an IV in my arm, I think about the last six days, the last six weeks.  Everest had been hard, very hard.  I was suffering from a bacterial lung infection and dehydration.  I was glad to be back in base camp after a two day ordeal from the Balcony.  No regrets, no self-absorbed pity party - at least at that time.  Get to Kathmandu and then Colorado and then maybe I could reflect on the experience.  Consider what had happened, what I learned and what next.  Attempt peaks a lower altitude.  Go after more technical mountains?  Maybe rock climb the locals.  Canada, there a lot's of mountains there!  Or should I stop climbing while I am still alive?

June 2006.  At 20,800' on Broad Peak I am having the best day and the worst day.  The snow under my crampons is soft yet solid.  The views of K2 and the Godwin-Austin Glacier are mind-blowing.  I see my friends ahead and behind me and draw comfort from their company.  However, deep inside, I know it is over.  The body is not right.  The risks too high.  Time to come home.  Before ...

I wrote in a dispatch from Broad Peak "... as I prepare to go up the Hill, I ask for all your positive energy for me and my teammates.  Wilco and Gerrard are making their bid tonight.  More climbers tomorrow and more later.  We will move from camp to camp higher up the Hill and make the final bid from Camp 4.  The whole process will take 4 or 5 days.  This is why we are here.  This is when the test really begins.  There are a thousand reasons to stop and only a few to push on.  And those are personal and unique to each climber.  Please accept our love of mountaineering.  Please accept our result regardless of what it is.  Please know that this is what makes us alive, it is the fuel that drives us on an individual level ..."

So, Why?  Is the answer to reach the ever-higher altitudes on earth?  Or is climbing simply a way of seeing how far you can take yourself?  The brutal honesty it forces?  The clear understanding of the consequences?  The bonds developed when life is simplified?  The insight that personal growth is accelerated when you push?  Or is it just because?

Alan Arnette

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