Rounding the Cape of Post Partum

< Newer | Older > Sat, 07/14/2007 - 14:50 — taloeffler

TA sea kayaking in Placentia Bay. This island had a cleft in it that was visible for miles.Climbing Everest is not just the two months one spends on the mountain; it is the 18 months prior and most likely the 18 months post.  I went out on a bike ride this morning.  The temperature was perfect and I couldn’t resist.  It was the first time since returning from Everest that I had an urge to exercise.  It was a signal that I was rounding the Cape of Post Partum and I was now ready to sail forward once again.

I haven’t written to you in nearly a month.  It has felt strange since I spent much of the past three years spending some time each week sitting down to reflect on the week and share it with you.  It wasn’t that I didn’t have things to say; it’s just that I didn’t know how to say them.  Life post Everest has been a struggle.  Consciously not filling the void that training and preparing for Everest had left in my life, I fought to find meaning and engagement.  Having spent 18 months with not much more than Everest in the front of my mind left a gaping hole in my day-to-day existence.

As I biked this morning, I had the image of fire in my mind.  I thought of how fire consumes and purifies, of the phoenix rising from the ashes, and how disappointment is like a pile of cordwood.  It is hard to burn a log on a smoldering fire.  I came back from Everest with my inner fire dimmed and sputtering.  It was tempting to throw lots of fuel on the fire immediately to get it burning bright once again but I had the sense that it needed to burn low for a while, with embers gently glowing against the dark night. 

Now I have a sense that the fire is gaining strength once again, that it may be time to stoke the flames to new height to incinerate the cordwood of disappointment and transform it to the ash of possibility.  I have been writing my book for a month now from six to eight am every weekday morning.  This gentle discipline has provided a container for reflection and processing of the Everest experience.  With each word that hits the page, I come to see the experience with more clarity as I clear the fog of high altitude from the forefront of my perception.  As I prepare each presentation and reorder the images and change the focus of the narrative, I see new lessons and understanding.  I nurture new appreciation for the experience despite the pain in gaining it.

Everest humbled me.  I expected it to.  Everest split me open along the midline like the finest surgeon.  I expected that too.  Everest’s snow and ice acted like a polished mirror reflecting my frailties and strength with frightening clarity.  I can see now that it would be impossible to return from such an intense experience with grace and ease.  The mess of emotions that I have been untangling were inevitable and impossible to sidestep.  Like most crevasses on the Khumbu, this passage required the patience and wisdom to know when to proceed and when to wait, when to step over carefully and when to leap, when to stay silent and when to share.

I want to return to Everest.  There are things I know the mountain still has to teach me.  My goal is to retire the debt from the first expedition and then begin sorting how to fund a second attempt.  I’m waiting patiently for the way forward to unfold and the invitation to my next adventure to arrive. In the meantime, I’m teaching this summer, walking the Tely Ten, renovating the house, and generally keeping out of trouble.  I hope you are doing well-do drop me a line to let me know how things are going.

Hugs,

TA

Messages

I was JUST thinking about you...

wilberfan — Sat, 07/14/2007 - 15:19

...literally the other day. I was hoping that you were well, and it sounds like you are on the mend. (I love your "Cape of Post Partum"!)

I'm encouraged that you're working on your book; I have a feeling the writing of it (and our reading of it) will contain many lessons for all of us.

I'm doing OK, however (to continue your analogy) my occupational boat has encountered the doldrums, and I'm drifting a bit. The sails are up, though, and I've stuck a wet finger into the air, so we'll see.

Thanks so much for checking back in with us; I look forward to future dispatches!

Scott

Serendipity

taloeffler — Sat, 07/14/2007 - 18:03

Hey Scott,

Nice to hear from you. I've been reading about Ellen MacArthur's amazing sailing feats so I appreciate you continuing the sailing analogy. I hope the wind picks up for you soon and fills your sails.

TA

TA reading your latest

Visitor — Sat, 07/14/2007 - 15:21

TA reading your latest 'installment' i realise how much I have missed your writing. You have such a talent with words, I am glad to hear you are writing a book as i expect it will be wonderful! Enjoy all that you are doing, you are an example of how to touch so many lives by just being you!

Have a good summer
Liselle

Six months ago

taloeffler — Sat, 07/14/2007 - 18:04

Liselle,

It's amazing that more than six months has passed since we shared the Aconcagua experience. I learned on Everest this spring that Aconcagua only had a 4% success rate...I hope you are doing well. I think of you often.

TA

Returning to Everest

Fiona Adler — Sun, 07/15/2007 - 01:50

Hi TA,

It's great to hear your post-Everest thoughts - you could hardly return from a trip like that without coming back a changed person. I'm glad you've made the decision to return one day. I know you'll go back stronger and wiser and with just a little bit of luck, I'm sure you'll reach your dream. It is such a huge committment to make - money, time, focus - but Paul and I often think about decisions like this in terms of whether you'd regret trying and failing or regret not trying more. Personally, I'd rather risk failure than live with the "what ifs" for the rest of my life.

You're so right about it being humbling too. I know personally and from most other climbers I've spoken to that even people returning from the summit know that they were treading right on the line of being able to hold it together. I would almost venture to say that anyone that thinks otherwise is deluding themselves as there are so many factors at play and any one of them can bring things apart.

Stay positive and keep writing your book - we're all looking forward to reading it.

All the best,
Fiona

Many Thanks

taloeffler — Mon, 07/16/2007 - 00:35

Fiona,

Thanks for these words and for the many you sent while I was on the mountain. I appreciated receiving your perspectives-they were helpful. Good luck with your current Everest. I've been enjoying reading about it. I do see the gifts in having ventured forth for the dream and in having a mission for the climb that was greater than myself...I had a friend who always said I would have more to teach if I didn't summit. I received an email from someone today who said...

When I met you the other day, I felt a huge shift in your energy from our previous meetings. In many ways you seemed much more real to me than the person I experienced before. I make no judgment here that one was better than the other, only that it was like meeting two completely different people. You are right, Everest is very humbling but then, isn't life. Just when we think we have all the ducks in place and all our bases covered can the most unpredictable happen, and depending how attached we are to an outcome, leave us searching for answers that are impossible to find. My daughter heard you speak this weekend and let me say this to you TA, she was blown away by your presentation and she had tears running down her face. She was so proud to tell her friends about how she met you and I can assure you she still idolizes you just as much as she always did. There is a gift in what happened to you. You may find this hard see right now but I see it and so do others.

So, I'm glad I am sharing this part of the climb as well-usually this part isn't shared so much so it's hard to know what climbers go through once they come off the mountain, once the big project is done, what happens in the interstitial spaces between everests...

Thanks,

TA

Thank You

Visitor — Mon, 07/16/2007 - 12:28

Hi T.A.,

Adam Daniels here. I just read your most recent update and thought I should let you know that you can add 24 more students to your "recently inspired" list. You were certainly one of the highlights of our leadership development weekend and the students were truly captivated by your presentation. They continued to speak about it throughtout their remaining time on campus, which showed me that your mission was clearly a success. Thanks for helping make our weekend one as well.

Adam

Many Thanks

taloeffler — Tue, 07/17/2007 - 08:58

Adam,

Thanks for letting me know. I felt a special connection with your group and hoped it had gone well for them.

TA

She's baaaack!!!!

Penny — Tue, 07/17/2007 - 03:03

TA, beautiful reflections here. It's lovely to read them again, and to know that your finding new meaning and renewed perspective in your writing process. AND...wonderful to "hear" you voice your desire and the will to return to Everest. The fire is stoked and I can definitely feel the heat now. She's burning brightly.

All the best in the Tely on Sunday.

See you soon!
Penny

Fire Building

taloeffler — Tue, 07/17/2007 - 09:00

Penny,

Thanks for writing. I appreciate your appreciation. It was good to write and reach out-breaking the silence on the struggle was important and as always, it helps move things along...

Still thinking about the canyon...

TA

still inspiring!!

book — Wed, 07/18/2007 - 09:22

nice to read your words again.good luck with the writing and life in general! keep posting. kindest regards. [ken.nz]

Good to hear from you

taloeffler — Wed, 07/18/2007 - 09:55

Ken,

nice to hear from you again. Hope all is well in your corner of the world.

TA

A Limerick for T.A.

M — Thu, 07/19/2007 - 14:12

The "Little Giant" is raising her head
"I'm ready to sail forward" she said
Her adventurous desire
Has rekindled her fire
So I wish T.A. ...."FULL SPEED AHEAD!!!"

All the best,
M

Limerick Queen Strikes Again

taloeffler — Sun, 07/22/2007 - 08:19

M,

I've missed your limericks...thanks for writing.

TA

Greetings TA...

wmpopper — Sat, 07/21/2007 - 20:22

Thanks for writing about the experience of having returned from such a large scale adventure realm and the effects it exerts upon one's experience within the home life realm. Your awareness and ability to convey the interstitial spaces lends to the narrrative. Hope that you are having some additional nice bicycle rides and kayaking this summer, and that the home renovation work is good as well. I am also doing some wood siding repair and replacement recently. the concept of the dwelling upon the earth's surface, its specific location and how a dwellings structure wall and foundation merge/meets with the surface of the earth's soil is interesting from the physical structural, and philosophical perspective, as one contemplates the transition from the earth surface to a shelter from the sun, wind, water, cold. something to consider in on the west coast where on friday morning past, at 4:45 am a very jagged and brief earthquake occured @ 4.2 Richter scale, epicenter within 8 miles of here, yet though asleep and then awake when quake occured, had a clear and distinct impression sensation and sound of a very jagged rapid movement event occuring within the earth's surface directly beneath the ground of this dwelling. How transitory these physical structures seem when exposed to an Earth that is alive and evolving as well, capable of shrugging off inhabitants with a shrug of its tectonic plates.

Hope that you are able to watch some of the Tour de France on the telly, beautiful countryside scenery and the Alps were incredible! The bicyclists are incredible to observe moving up those ascents climbs at 20 kpm, day after day, what respiratory and pulmonary conditioning. And that you have some refreshing and replenishing bicycle adventures of your own this Summer...
Thank you for your continuing insights and informative narrative...
WP

Places and Spaces

taloeffler — Tue, 07/24/2007 - 00:41

WP,

Thanks for your thoughts and your experience of the earth moving...I've been renovating so really reshaping the look of my house and it's been an important time of shifting and changing and renewal...hoping to get out in my kayak soon.

TA

Good to read your words

Ann — Mon, 07/23/2007 - 22:20

Hi TA,
I just returned from a trip and logged on , glad to read that you are doing a bit better and getting some energy again!
Take care!
Ann

Welcome Back

taloeffler — Tue, 07/24/2007 - 00:42

Ann,

I hope you had a good trip. Yes-having energy and focus again is a gift.

TA