Putting Sunshine back into my Life ! ...page 3

Thu, 02/08/2007 - 21:32 — aeronik

1985

Someday, I started hanging out with better friends… So there had been a change in my habits.  I was still drinking, but the people I was now hanging with were not using drugs.  And God knows how important influence is when you’re a teenager.  So we started going into pubs and having young adult’s behaviour.  I started having student’s jobs and was somehow responsible.  I would allow myself some parties almost every weekend, but I kept myself away from drugs for a while… I thought it would be better, but it wasn’t.

Drinking was becoming a regular habit now.  I was drinking more and more and since I had nothing to get me high, alcohol was bringing me something else.  It would make me funny and people paid attention to me.  I was center of attention, was able to speak out loud, and said whatever I wanted to say.  People would say about me that I had a strong personality, that I was not shy; I felt they were envying me…

Wiping myself out on alcohol was a regular occurenceAnd then drinking that much made me lose it sometimes… I couldn’t remember a thing of what happened the night before.  I had to call my friends to learn how I got back home.  Lucky me, I never had a bad experience involving men or whatsoever… I started doing silly things and getting into fights.  When the attention was not around me, I would fake a panic attack to get all the people take care of me, and then the next day, I would feel guilty about it and couldn’t apologize because I would have to admit that I pretended having those attacks.  Anyways, things were not going the right way.  And instead of realizing what was happening to me and try to quit drinking, something else happened…

September 21, 1987

On my 18th anniversary party, somebody asked me if I was fed up with always being drunk and never remembering the party of the night before, because people around me would realize that I didn’t have any control on my drinking problem.  After I said yes to the question, this close “friend” offered something that would help me recover a little bit when I would be plastered with alcohol.  That “friend” offered me Cocaine…  Wow! That felt great! I finally found something that filled up the hole I had since a long time ago.  For the first time, I didn’t feel I was missing something, I had no problems anymore, I could drink all I wanted and would wake me up with a line of the magic powder.  I had found a cloud to rest on, I had found something that was fulfilling…overwhelming…

But as you all must know…it didn’t last for ever.  For two years, I could handle it not so bad.  I was able to control my consumption during the week-ends and parties.  I could afford it with the money I was making, because I was still working and going to school.  Then I needed more coke, so I quit school and worked more…to get more money!  It quickly became nasty, expensive, depressive, and the hole came back… bigger than ever!

At that time, it also became really hard with my dad.  I was still living with him, and he was still alcohol free and going to AA meetings.  He would leave documents and paperwork from the fraternity hanging in the house so I could see them, because he knew how I was not going too well.  He would try to talk to me, but there was no answer from my part.  I didn’t hear or didn’t want to listen.  He started putting pressure, because he wanted me to go back to school or at least pay some expenses in the house.  But I wasn’t doing anything good.  I would party all night, sleep all day, go to work once in a while, lose a job, find another one, and so on, and so on…

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