Login
Navigation
Current Everests
Five guys trekking to EBC and climbing Island Peak
Scott is embarking on a climb of Ama Dablam
Fiona's building a website business for word of mouth information
Paul's second Mount Everest climb: an unfinished goal 
TA's Mt Everest climb, inspiring young people to dream big 
Pat is climbing Mount Everest - the last of his 7 summits 
Gavin is following his dream to climb Ama Dablam 
Aeronik continues her reinvention as she climbs Mt Kilimanjaro
A Letter to My Everest Support Team
Location: Phortse
Elevation: 3840 Meters
Elevation Loss: 360 Meters
Weather: Didn't really notice
Dear All,
When I threw up breakfast once again, I ventured over to the clinic to check my weight again. I was down another five pounds and feeling poorly. I felt the confusion part temporarily and made the decision to come down.
I packed my bag cautiously to see if the clarity would stick around. It didn't seem possible to heal at this altitude given there was not much left on the menu to eat (once I'd chucked something, I found it hard to eat it again and given I'd been chucking for awhile-there were not many options left).
The hope voice had quieted to where I couldn't hear it anymore and the reality of not being at my best was staring me nakedly in the face. Mount Everest deserves my best, no-in reality, it demands my best. Though I'm sure I could have gotten enough better to drag myself back up to EBC, I finally admitted to myself that I wouldn't have the amount of reserve I would need to feel comfortable and confident going back high on the mountain.
I count on that reserve to combat bad weather, extreme altitude, and steep slopes. I feel as though the illnesses I have faced over the past month, have peeled the layers of reserve and resiliency down to my very core, like shedding the outer layers of an onion.
For me, persistence is my lifeblood. I am a survivor. I can get through anything. For me, this morning in turning my back on trying for the summit, I climbed a bigger Everest than the snow and ice covered mount in front of me.
I said for once, it was okay to stop. It was okay not to push to the absolute outer limits of my being. It was okay to go home to heal and come back to climb Everest another day. It was okay to do all of this and hold my head up high for having given this effort almost everything I had. All of this new territory was stepping out on a ladder spanning a crevasse bigger than any I saw in the Khumbu.
And although yes, this allowing for my humanity, my frailty is a summit in itself, it still hurts incredibly. Grief is like glacier run-off. At times in the hot sun, it runs like torrents that threaten to overwhelm and at other times, the glacier freezes hard and nothing is felt in the frigid night.
I walked from Pheriche to Pangboche often overhwhelmed by the torrents. I was an anonymous trekker hiding behind my shades and I could allow the wild water of grief to spill over whenever it rose beyond the spillways of my eyes.
Eighteen months of energy, effort, excitement, focus, and dreams were coming to an end in the moments of those downhill footsteps. Suddenly, there was a vacuum-a large black hole-I was no longer preparing to be or being an Everest climber.
Into this void, churned the waves of grief like rancid yak butter. This grief had been hanging around the interstitial edges of my being since leaving EBC and now it had full permission to come into being since the final decision had finally been made.
In Pangboche, I found Mingma (he'd told me to find him there if I decided to come down). We talked to basecamp via Camp Two and made the arrangements for my bags and flights. We used the radio at Ang Pasang's place-he's the expedition sirdar. As we left his house, Pasang's wife placed a kata scarf around my neck to signify good luck in leaving, and the glacier dam that was holding my tears in place almost burst.
I won't cry in public so I choked the grief back into place for much of the rest of the day as I sat in Mingma's in-laws place and then at Mingma's place in Phortse.
I actually thought I was going to Namche today. When I contacted Mingma that all changed and he will accompany me down to Lukla. Though it was hard not to let the tears fall all afternoon, there was some comfort in walking with Mingma, his wife and son from Pangboche to Phortse.
Now, in my room at the lodge, writing to you, I am free once again to allow the sun to strike the glacier of my heart and allow the grief to move downhill, like I. I am okay. I just hurt. I will hurt for awhile as I bring this chapter of my life to a different close than I anticipated.
I'd rehearsed being felled by weather. By bad snow or ice conditions. But I forgot to anticipate being sick. New territory. Lots of learning in being where I haven't been before.
Today as I watched Mingma's children play, I was relieved to be heading home to Rayne and Xander. In that moment of watching the children, I knew I had made a good decision. I am willing to take risks to climb mountains but not foolish ones. My health is more important than any summit. I've got too many young people rooting for me to throw caution to the wind. Everest will be there whenever my dreams take me onto her slopes next, if and when.
So, I have a few things to ask of you-my Everest support team. Please stay with me as I journey home. I will continue to blog and reflect and share my experiences as I head downhill and to home. Please share your experiences of times you've given your heart to your dreams and had a different ending that you wished for-share the lessons that have come from these moments. Please remind me that I have indeed achieved my mission and should not allow one ounce of shame to cloud my perspective of that. And finally, welcome me to lower ground with open arms and open ears, I'll have many stories to tell.
Thank you all for being here as I've undertaken this most public of personal journeys. Your presence and words and thoughts have been gifts every step of the way. Thank you.
TA
Logistics: Tomorrow to Namche, May 7th to Lukla, May 8th to KTM pending weather...not sure when flying home yet.
This Everest-007 Update is made possible through the generous support of AppleCore Interactive, www.applecore.ca
- Login or register to post comments
- Add new message or comment
Messages
Your decision
Phil M — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 12:42Phil M — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 12:35
Hi TA,
I have been watching quietly in the background. Your decision is your conquest this year. It is important to be able to do what is right for you. This time - it's right - Congratulations on being able to "do the right thing" this time.With your resolve and ability, you are not far from your ambition - a pity the time line is so tight. Loook forward to being able to participate when you are successful.
Phil M - Sydney
So Sorry....
Visitor — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 12:59TA
I am so sorry that you had to make this decision, I have been coming to this site these many weeks and feel almost as if I have been climbing with you by way of your wonderful writings, I can feel the exhaustion, the being sick and today the pain of having to come down.
But, more than that I feel that I have a new friend, yes I feel that we have almost met. It was good to read that you will be keeping this blog going, I'm sure we all want to travel home with you, and for those of us close enough, be there at St John's Airport when you arrive.
Today, as I started to do yesterday, I will climb Signal Hill again and place another rock on top of Ladies Lookout (see email for pics), and I'll continue to do so until you are back with us safe and sound in Newfie.
This has been a real learning experience for me, Thank You so much for sharing.... and I wish you a "Safe Home" and speedy recovery to full health and strength.
Don P
Bravo
Shelagh — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 13:26I hope someday to have the privilege of meeting you in person but meanwhile I want you to know how fabulous it has been that you have put such a real and personal face to your Everest. Your words have brought this amazing challenge alive like no others have done. We have cheered with you, prayed for you, agonized with you, cried with you and laughed with you. And, you have succeeded in challenging others (and not just the youth!) to strive for their goals. I am planning my first ever trip to Newfoundland this fall to hike in Gros Morne and maybe even hike up the mountain. (Even though I could hardly haul myself out of Fishing Cove a couple of years ago!) You are a success in so many ways in my eyes. Your students are very lucky to have you as their professor. I hope every step towards home has you feeling better and better....mentally as well as physically. The hugs and positive thoughts continue your way.
you're still a hero
Visitor — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 13:31TA, I know this must have been the hardest decision you have ever had to make but I think you made the right choice. We would rather have you come home safe - you are still a hero to me for having tried. I am sure Newfoundlanders will welcome you home with open arms and I look forward to hearing some of your stories.
Safe Journey down
Ann — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 14:11Hi TA,
We wanted to tell you that you have made the best decision and the most difficult one also. It must be hard as such a strong person to say you are done, yet it is the safe decision for you body which has been put into a new place with this sickness. Get well, and strong again, the climb will be there waiting whenever you are ready.
Big hug, and tissue.
Ann and Graham
thinking of you!!
daviecrewcut — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 14:21hi TA
read your message this morning,cried with you , cried for you! Erika said 'what's wrong mom?' I said, 'TA has to come home'. She looked thoughtful and then smiled, 'well, at least Flat Stanley got to see Mount Everest and got all the way to camp 2!". Leave it to innocence to always see the glass half full!
As for shame , there is none. Shame implies guilt and what have you to be gulity about...getting sick??!! To have the courage to follow your dreams is the biggest accomplishment of all...life always doesn' t cooperate and let us do what we want or need. Being able to accepting this without a sense of defeat but with hope for new possiblities, is a challenge ...one you will definitely rise to.
Erika asked if you would still bring Flat Stanley to her school. I told her that you 'd try your best; you always do!
sending hugs and warm wishes,
nancy
Congratulations Again
Visitor — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 14:27Hi T.A.
I have been reading your updates throughout the week. My students have been making announcements at Holy Trinity about your progress and we have been aware that a big decision was in the forecast. We are very proud of you, and inspired. Congratulations on having conquered 75% of Mount Everest. That is a great feat to have accomplished and a life changing experience...all while your general state of health was not 100%. I watched the profile of you with Krista Rudofsky on Living Nfld and Labrador. The whole expedition has been a wonderful learning experience for me personally and for my Grade 4 students. Thanks for letting us " come along for the ride". When deciding on our life paths we must make our health the foremost priority......that is what you have done....followed advice of doctors I guess..... a wise thing to do :). I want to say that you have a most clever way with words..I could not wait to read your updates every single day..and you are a totally awesome writer. Like many others who were following you....I got hooked:)
On Monday morning at school we will be very pleased to read the Letter to the Youth of Newfoundland and Labrador on our morning announcements. Wishing you health and safety for the end of your journey and for your return home.
Keep On Trucking...all hands will be happy to see you arrive safely back at MUN.
Paula Coughlan
Congrats!
Visitor — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 14:57Hi Ta,
Glad to hear you did the right thing, as you said, there will be another time.
You set a wonderful example that we all can learn from.
Looking forward to having you back on The Rock and get you healthy again!
Inge and the Wallnuts!
We will Welcome You Home a Hero
Visitor — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 15:01T.A...know that we are thinking of you now, as we have been since the inception of this incredible journey! We are so proud of you and all that you have accomplished in your venture to go where so few have gone before! What a brave and noble decision to value your health over a mountain that will be there for all time. I speak on behalf of myself and my students when I say that we have learned tremendously from this journey of yours. We welcome you home with open arms and thank you for coming home safely to us. You are truly an inspiration!
Jacinta and the students at Stella Maris
Congrats on making YOUR everest T.A.
Visitor — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 15:30T.A. Daily I am honored to feel deeply as I and the world are privledged to journey with you as you indeed reached Your everest. Daily accounts of your cellular knowing your core breaking open into greater clarity of self realization
a jouney of both individual and global proportion. Honoring the Bodymind one cellular expereince at a time.
S- SELFLESSLY/SAFELY
H- HONORING
A-ALL
M-MIRACLES
E-EXPERIENTIALLY
WITH DEEP GRATITUDE
HEALING AND BLESSINGS TO YOU, AS YOU HEAD HOME.
JANINE CLANCY
Release
Penny — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 16:34I'm crying as I type, as I really feel your hurt and sorrow, TA. Once again, you've shown such strength and courage in making this decision to come down ...and come home. I feel more inspired by you now than ever as you've accomplished SO much. You've brought together a community of people --- inspired to make changes, and live more fully, as well. And, as we've watched you hold on through everything, make it to camp 2 feeling in such a physically weakened state, but so determined means you've more than succeeded. You've done absolutely everything you could possibly do there and more. THAT's courage and grit. Now, you just need a little patience thrown in the mix (to complete the Newfoundland song lyric). So be patient with yourself now. Take the time to heal - physically, emotionally. Cry and release. And know that we're here with you through this phase, and the phases that follow. It's another turn in the road--but not the end of your Everest journey, TA.
Congratulations on everything you've accomplished --including this most difficult decision of all. Be proud of you, as we are.
Sending you healing thoughts from your other basecamp on the rock---the place where vanilla dips grow wild. Come and get them. Can't wait to see you again soon, totally awesome one. Hugs and love, as always. Penny
Well Done TA
Alan Arnette — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 16:38TA,
Congratulations on making a difficult decision. You have given it your best. That is obvious from all your outstanding writing. However, it is hard as hell to take that first step down to Lukla. You have done well. You have done everything your body would allow. Walk strong, walk proud. We are of you.
Alan Arnette
Greetings TA...
wmpopper — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 19:02I would like to reaffirm what the others have so eloquently written and expressed in this forum. I'm sitting here at the computer with tears in my eyes, as you experiences on Mt. Everest in a way mirror the human condition, which you have written with clarity and depth. Your narrative will remain as inspiration for many who read of it as a testimony of the human spirit under most difficult circumstances. Hope that your return journey is safe and comforting and that you see and hear some nice bird songs and lovely flowers along the pathway.
And that you'll continue to inspire and inform others through your words and adventures and soulfulness.
peace
wp
As I read your message, I
Visitor — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 19:33As I read your message, I felt a deep sense of "Oh my" - not because you wisely decided to end the journey to the top of Mount Everest, but because of the deep pain I know you are experiencing of a dream not realized - yet. In the eyes of us watching and cheering you on from the sidelines, you did climb a Mount Everest - in deciding not to needlessly jeopardize your life and the life of those journeying with you - what an incredible decision to have to make and what strength it must have taken to make it.
Please have deep compassion for yourself, knowing that you gave Mount Everest the most beautiful gift of yourself - I think you dig deeply into the real soil of life, are a witness to living life in that place called the "unknown", and sometimes in the desperate emptiness of that place a quietness sets in , and it is there that the universe can find you to let you know what you are to "be" in the next phase of your journey.
My prayers are with you as you journey on..... And I cheer you from the sidelines.
Phyll
Brave decision
Mary Clare Reinhardt — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 19:54Hi TA
You are brave, courageous and wise. Oh yeah, and "one tough lady"!!! I am so impressed with your honesty in how you feel (the roller coaster of emotions). The actual decision to turn back home is a pivotal moment in your life. You listened to the innermost, deepest place in your being that told you to take care of YOU. Your love of life and appreciation for all you have overtook that burning desire to get to the top and live a dream that meant the world to you. That decisive moment is what makes you a true hero. You have shown the world that you are a success by your wise decision. All your hard work to prepare for this expedition was not in vain. This experience has made you even stronger for your next challenge, whatever it may be. YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION!
Sincerely,
MC
"The journey is the destination and the destination is the beginning of a new journey." mc
Limericks for T.A.
M — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 20:2905/05/2007
T.A……. you have given your all!!
No wonder you’ve made us all bawl!!!
Though you may be upset….
We’ll never forget
You’ve climbed up that Khumbu Icefall!!!!
Flat Stanley is looking his best!!
But he was concerned......like the rest
He saw you lose weight
And throw up what you ate…
But he’s thrilled….. He was on Everest!!!!
And Mingma….he helped you get through….
You both made it safe to Camp 2!!
75 % done!!!
With a toothache???….NO FUN!!!!
Wasn’t easy for him or for you!
So T.A……come on home!!!..... You were great!!!
You don’t want you to reach you birth weight!!!! ( ;-) !!
Get healthy and strong
And I’m sure before long…
You’ll dream….. “Everest….. 2008”!!!
Please let us know when you will be at Torbay Airport and we''ll be there with "Open arms and open ears" to welcome you home!
Take care,
M
Safe return
Visitor — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 20:50TA,
We are so glad that you are safe and returning home. You will, no doubt, have other opportunities to climb. Sickness is a terrible wall to overcome and you will be able to fight it better here at home. We are sorry that you did not yet reach your goal and that Flat Stanley did not get to the top with you. But, sometimes our path goes in a different direction than we planned. You already have ventured far and will again. We look forward to you getting better and making the trip to Central to bring our Flat Stanley home. Maybe he can tag along on another adventure with you in the future!
Keep safe.
Madame Stoodley's Grade Three class
Thoughts
Visitor — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 23:12Hello T.A.
Since the day I heard you speak about the amazing expedition you would be embarking on, I have been trying to follow your progress and have been cheering you on in the background each day. I think about the path you are on often and relate it to my life - stealing your every step to use as my own inspiration. Thank you for allowing me to use your journey as a tool in my everyday life. I have even guilted some friends into some physical activity by telling them about your latest update. I look forward to passing you in the halls at MUN and I will forever think about your life changing experience and the way that you have impacted me.
All my Best!
Adam
In our thoughts..
Visitor — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 23:36TA:
We can only imagine the waves of emotion you are feeling. That beng said, your health is more important than all else and your decision, while painful, is a wise one.
Wishing you a safe journey and a speedy recovery
Travor, Andrea, Davin, Alex and Maddi
Safe trip TA
Sandra D — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 23:49TA, you are a very brave person! I'm glad you chose life over a goal of getting to the top of a mountain. The mountain will always be there if you ever choose to try again! I think the hardest thing to do is to do what's right for you. You can't let what others think push you beyond your safe point! You have truely reached and conquered your Everest. We thank you for taking us along (even us strangers). Have a safe journey back! You can hold your head high. You did something not many people will ever get to do!
Travel safely
Sandra
tears and cheers
Visitor — Sat, 05/05/2007 - 23:49TA ...
I had tears in my eyes this morning as I read.
I know how frustrated I get at the littlest goals that I must let pass; yet they rarely had so many little triumphs getting there!
If it were easy, you wouldn't have thousands cheering you on - and if you weren't already successful you wouldn't have so many arms welcoming you home!
You are an inspiration to us all; and perhaps the bravest, most daring decision of all was this last one. Everest will always be there! And so will we!
denise
1st trex girl guides
You are the best
SDresser — Sun, 05/06/2007 - 00:04I am so moved by your words in describing this decision - my tears join with yours - I look forward to talking about the difficulty in distinguishing between physically unable and mentally unable and how all that feels. I learned that on a cliff face in Wisconsin, somewhat less extravagant than on Everest! Good job for taking care of yourself, journey safely home - Hugs, Sylvia
Tough Decision....
Jackie — Sun, 05/06/2007 - 10:04TA, Like many who have written in so far, I was moved to tears when I read your account of having to turn back. I understand how tough this decision was for you and how it has (and likely will )continue to drain you emotionally. The honesty and candor you have expressed in describing how tough this decision was has been truly inspiring and will continue to be an inspiration for everyone. In a world where we are conditioned to expect instant gratification, having examples of hard work, perservance and commitment are truly inspiring. Making tough decisions for the right reasons is a lesson on to itself. Demonstrating strength in the face of adversity is truly honourable. Your expedition to Everest has been and will continue to be inspiring. Take care of yourself, do not be too hard on yourself. Heal well. I will be cheering on your next endeavour! Jackie - Shanghai.